Before I proceed with my litany of excuses, scapegoating and attacks on other people's patriotism, I would first like to express how deeply disappointed I am with the press for not dropping this whole issue as soon as Ari told them to.

This whole thing should have been over when Condi said that no one "could have predicted that these people would...use an airplane as a missile." I can't tell how angry I was when nosy journalists immediately shot that argument down by sticking their noses where they don't belong: in the facts! On balance, I was satisfied that no one took us to task for lying to cover up our mistakes.

OK, you've heard Ari's excuses, you've heard Condoleezza's excuses--Now let me get give my own excuse:
I was on vacation!
OK? I was off the clock! Don't you remember? Everyone made a big stink over it: the famous "month-long vacation." In fact, most of the White House staff took the month off too. Do you really expect me to act on every warning of massive terrorist hijacking plots when I'm off? Do you keep working when you're on vacation? So there!

So if you're really committed to depending on ME for your personal safety, then maybe next time I'm on vacation you should just stay home and lock the doors!

And quit saying I don't know how to connect the dots! Look:

(Graphic courtesy of  
GeorgeBushWars.com)