As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...
France, as well as all other stinking little wine-drinking
Euro-commie nations, must never ever forget that we
save your asses in W.W.II, and now therefore must always do
exactly as we say.
Moving on: In America, it is memorial day--a day, when
our nation remembers its fallen heroes of war. This memorial
day, however, I would like to talk about me, and my
own war record.
week the Senate finally confirmed my new Air Force National
Guard director, General Daniel "Chappie" James. General
James is a good man, and a good friend. When he served as director
of the Texas Guard, I
counted on him to scrub any record of me going AWOL during the
Vietnam war. Now as head of the National Guard, I'm quite
confident that any last remaining proof of my AWOL years have
vanished. Thanks Chappie!
Therefore, I would now like to give you the new and improved
TRUE account of my wartime heroism, so that America can be confident
that I am no Johnny-come-lately "wartime" hero.
I was a volunteer for one of the most dangerous top-secret
experiments the military has ever conducted
on its own troops. This experiment was so secret that I
was forced to pretend to go AWOL for 18 months
so that the military would be able to disavow any knowledge
of the operation if it was discovered by the pesky press.
For 18 grueling months, at a Florida beach house, I
and a crack team, which I recruited myself, DRANK BEER.
Our mission was in fact to drink more beer than had ever been
consumed by any U.S. service man in recorded military history.
Simply put, this experiment sought to determine the possible
use of beer as a biological weapon. There was a plan for a covert
operation to open a chain of subsidized beer distributors across
Vietnam, the hope being that cheap beer would draw the Vietcong
from the jungles and impair their ability to fight. The experiment
was a success! We were wiped out for months!
Despite our success, the plan was nixed by Pentagon Bureaucrats.
It was stupid decisions like that which lost the war! I have
carried this burden of secrecy on my shoulders for many years
now, and I would like to thank America for finally listening
as I have relieved myself....of it.