Vision: Cleansing America's Schools of the Preposterous Fairy Tale of Evolution Vision: Protecting Deserving Legacy "C" Students from "Affirmative Action" Vision: We Can Teach America's Pre-Tweens to Be "Cigarette-Safe Kids" "You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test."

While campaigning for the Presidency in 1999, Governor George W. Bush pledged to make education almost as high a priority as eliminating capital gains and stock dividend taxes. Upon taking office, he promptly delivered on this promise by appointing Houston Board of Education luminary Ron Paige to the position of United States Secretary of Education. In the process, President Bush demonstrated his determination to make sure every American town could enjoy its own "Houston Miracle" - in which realizing dramatic improvements in public school dropout rates and standardized test scores was found to be as simple as having the courage to rename the right columns on a Microsoft Excel spreadsheet.

Moving forward, President Bush remains fully committed to preserving an academic world in which poster boys of aristocratic mediocrity enjoy the benefits of forgiving legacy admission policies at America's most elite and costly New England private schools. He will do so by:

• Mandating Vouchers: America's children learn best when parents are encouraged to forsake the public school system altogether and enroll their sons and daughters in taxpayer-financed Christian academies whose curricula emphasize the historical benefits of theocracy.

• Promoting Abstinence: Our country's teenagers understand that when consumed by the hormone-fueled, pornographic urges instilled by millions of years of genetic imperative, the best strategy still boils down to an icy-cold shower followed by a self-inflicted Tazer shot to the genitals.

• Privatizing Cafeterias: "Healthy body, healthy mind." So goes the time-tested maxim, which is why President Bush strongly supports the shuttering of inefficient, bureaucratic, gruel-dispensing lunchrooms in favor of expanding the delicious and nutritious subsidies paving the way for in-school Taco Bell and Burger King kiosks - providing a sufficiently competitive landscape is preserved for high-capacity snack machine offerings.