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The PINS are IN:

Plus many others!
 
And others...
Forget al-Qaeda! Forget Saddam! A far worse EVIL has emerged...

That al Qaeda puppy video dug up by CNN was nothing compared to what I found on the Internet last night...

There's no doubt about it: American Intelligence sucks. When CNN beat the CIA to that cache of al Qaeda training videos, I realized this intelligence game is really just a free-for-all. So I got on the Internet and started poking around on my own. People seemed to be even more horrified at the puppy video than at 9-11 itself, so I was on the lookout for terrorism involving puppies. What I found is disgusting, terrifying, EVIL...

A network of organizations WITHIN THE USA has been killing over 12 MILLION dogs and cats EVERY YEAR. Yes, right here in America! I've ordered that all 9-11 Intelligence inquiries be re-targeted to this massive puppy slaughter. We need to know how this could have been taking place for so long without the CIA, FBI, NSA or CNN taking any notice.

If I had been given any intelligence reports regarding this matter, I would have acted immediately. There was no...I repeat, NO...Clinton report about anything like this laying on my desk when I came to office.

All intelligence agencies have been ordered to investigate links between al Qaeda puppy killing outside the U.S. and this mass puppy slaughter inside the U.S.. The preliminary evidence that I've uncovered on the Internet suggests a link may exist: the American puppy killers also use poison gas. Although sometimes they inject the animals with anti-freeze--as brutal as that sounds.

If there is found to be a connection between al Qaeda and puppy killing in the U.S. then I promise you, I will take swift and decisive action to destroy another poor and vulnerable country containing a few dozen or so al Qaeda operatives (like France, for example, or maybe Canada).

As for shutting down this domestic puppy killing operation -- I'm afraid there's as little chance of us doing that as there was of finding Osama Bin Laden and Mullah Omar. Sorry but those are the breaks. Don't worry though: once you're tired of watching us bomb another country to bits, I'm sure I'll have found a new horrifying threat and the cycle can begin a new.

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