As I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted...

France, as well as all other stinking little wine-drinking Euro-commie nations, must never ever forget that we save your asses in W.W.II, and now therefore must always do exactly as we say.

Moving on: In America, it is memorial day--a day, when our nation remembers its fallen heroes of war. This memorial day, however, I would like to talk about me, and my own war record.

Last week the Senate finally confirmed my new Air Force National Guard director, General Daniel "Chappie" James. General James is a good man, and a good friend. When he served as director of the Texas Guard, I counted on him to scrub any record of me going AWOL during the Vietnam war. Now as head of the National Guard, I'm quite confident that any last remaining proof of my AWOL years have vanished. Thanks Chappie!

Therefore, I would now like to give you the new and improved TRUE account of my wartime heroism, so that America can be confident that I am no Johnny-come-lately "wartime" hero.

I was a volunteer for one of the most dangerous top-secret experiments the military has ever conducted on its own troops. This experiment was so secret that I was forced to pretend to go AWOL for 18 months so that the military would be able to disavow any knowledge of the operation if it was discovered by the pesky press.

For 18 grueling months, at a Florida beach house, I and a crack team, which I recruited myself, DRANK BEER. Our mission was in fact to drink more beer than had ever been consumed by any U.S. service man in recorded military history.

Simply put, this experiment sought to determine the possible use of beer as a biological weapon. There was a plan for a covert operation to open a chain of subsidized beer distributors across Vietnam, the hope being that cheap beer would draw the Vietcong from the jungles and impair their ability to fight. The experiment was a success! We were wiped out for months!

Despite our success, the plan was nixed by Pentagon Bureaucrats. It was stupid decisions like that which lost the war! I have carried this burden of secrecy on my shoulders for many years now, and I would like to thank America for finally listening as I have relieved myself....of it.